Funny Quotes

Me? Behave? Seriously!! As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe & had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance & Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies. The fault is not mine!
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy
Guys: No Shirt, No Service – Girls: No Shirt, No Charge
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Friendship is like peeing on yourself:

everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine;

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

&& he gets better with age.

Girls are like phones.

We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,

because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep

— not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

You laugh because I’m different…

I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? — ‘Hold my purse.’

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money they don’t generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs?

Don’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky…

&& I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. — The lesson is ‘never try‘.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

I wanna be a stamp, because that’s the only way i’ll ever get licked…

Never argue with an idiot…People watching won’t be able to tell the difference.

What starts with F and ends in UCK? Firetruck